“When a child loves you for a long time, not just to play with, but really ,loves you, then you become Real.”
“Does it hurt” asked the Rabbit.
“Sometimes,” Said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are real you don’t mind being hurt”.
The Velveteen Rabbit, by Margery Williams Bianco
The Velveteen Rabbit is one of my favourite books, the childhood message of love, trust, protectiveness, and being real always struck a cord with me, even when I was young. Even today, at the age of almost 30, I still listen to this beautiful tale at least once a week as an audiobook, to help me drift off to sleep. However, as I have got older the way I understand and interpret this message has grown with me, and the quote above in particular always gives me chills.
When we are young, how easy is it for us to ask our friends to play with us? How easy is it for us to understand the difference between goodies and baddies? And how easy is it for us to be ourselves? Children, in their lack of being able to potentially understand or communicate their deep emotions and justification for such, instead end up being the most genuine versions of themselves. They are real.
As we get older, and that line between good and evil becomes a little more blurred, that questions of what should I do Vs. what do I want to do, becomes harder to make, and the consequences of our actions become greater. Our ability to be ourselves is diluted by life, by emotions, by how we wish to be perceived, by how we need to be perceived, and by the external factors of the world around us. We may find ourselves putting a facade on, smiling on the outside, laughing and joking, whilst the pain inside us consumes our thoughts. We may find it gets to the point where we do not even know what we are feeling anymore, or what is real to ourselves. And if we do not understand what is real about us, how can we be real and authentic with others.
I used to think this a lot when I was at university. I knew lots of people, and would often walk into a club on a night out, and bump into a few people I hadn’t expected, and lose the people I had come in with (a pet peeve of theirs!). I was surrounded by people always, always chatting, dancing, laughing. However, when I had a personal tragedy, there were only a handful of people who were really therefore me, who would pick me up when I felt sad, or if necessary, would let me cry until I fell asleep. At the time, the pain I felt consumed me, and all I could see was the people who I felt had abandoned me, who I perceived as not real friends. What I did not see was that those people were being real, but not that realness did not necessarily extend to their friendship with me. And, more importantly, What I did not see, was the value of those who were real, who were authentic, who took my good, with my bad, and who accepted it all for my realness.
My mother once said to me “you can count your real friends on one hand”. I would not necessarily go that far, but what I would say is that the people in your life who are there for you are fewer than you may think. But instead of being sad at the people who maybe do not give you the time you need, find the value in those who are there for you. In those people who you can be authentic with, in those people who are authentic with you, in those people who when you say “yeh, I’m fine”, hear more behind those words, in those people who are there for the painful moments, not just the fun ones.
When someone loves you and you love someone, a family member or a friend, it is not easy, and there may be pain and hard days. But with those hard days come the joy or knowing you are also real, you are authentic, you are you. And you are worth the love of that individual and of yourself.
Sunflower Coaching 