All emotions are justified, lets just start there. If you are feeling something, you are allowed to feel it, you are allowed to express it, and you are allowed to seek an understanding of why you feeling it. But sometimes, when we feel, we can react in a way that later may seem exaggerated, or like an “over-reaction”. Is that because the emotion you thought you were feeling in that moment was not the correct emotion for the situation?
Lets look at it this way, you walk out the front door in the morning, you have freshly washed hair and brand new shoes. You are running a little late, and in your haste have forgotten your umbrella. As you leave, it starts to rain, you don’t have time to go back for your umbrella. In your frustration, you are not looking where you are going, and you step in some dog muck. New shoes ruined. Hair ruined. and with all the stress, you miss the train you were racing for. What emotion are you feeling?
We have so many reactions to different emotions, but understanding the core emotion is the most important thing. If we look at Marsha M. Lineham’s work, we can divide our emotions into ten different core emotion categories: Happiness, Fear, Anger, Disgust, Envy, Jealousy, Love, Sadness, Shame, and Guilt. All our reactions or secondary emotions can be separated into these categories, but understanding which category it goes into is really important in how we understand and process that emotion, which will ultimately help us move forward, and not get hung up on feeling potentially the wrong thing.
So, lets return to our scenario. Instant reaction I would have would be probably to cry. But why? What emotion am I feeling? Anger? Sadness? Shame? Disgust? Maybe a mixture of a few emotions, but what is my primary emotion? In being able to identify this emotion, we can identify a reasonable way to react to it, or we can ask ourselves, is our instant reaction, the correct one? So is my instant reaction of crying right for that situation?
Lets imagine a child falling down, the child is shocked, he cries. Why? Because they are expecting to feel pain, or because they are shocked? Because they have actually hurt themselves and are injured? Or because they are upset or embarrassed? A child falling down can help you understand core emotions, and the correct reactions. When we pick up a child after falling down, what do we ask them? We ask them, are you hurt? Where hurts? More often than not, it is an imaginary pain that they cannot understand, so a magic kiss will always make it better. Can adult emotions be fixed as easily? Can we take a moment to ask ourselves, are you hurt? Where hurts? And what is the magic kiss we need in that unique situation.
So, What hurts in my awful morning scenario? am I physically hurt? No. Am I emotionally hurt? Maybe a little, but why? Is it my pride that is hurt? Potentially yes. So what core emotion is connected to pride and embarrassment? That would be shame. So what we are really feeling in that moment is (potentially) shame. Once we understand that, we can try and push the other emotions of anger or sadness away, because they may not make sense or be justifiable in that situation. And instead we can seek to understand how to make ourselves feel better from that context of the primary emotion of shame, whilst not loosing ourselves in other emotions. Will crying help? unlikely. Will it make us feel better? Maybe. Is there a better way to feel better? Probably. What is that? Well that is something only you can answer. (For me, always start with a cup of tea!)
Understanding emotions can help us see the woods through the trees, it can help us process what we are really feeling, and it can help us understand what our instant emotional reaction may be, and whether that is appropriate for every situation. It may take some reflection, and it may take some practice. But if we are able to start understanding the appropriate emotion, and then subsequent reaction to each situation, we can then handle ourselves in a much more emotional regulated and calm way.
Remember, a day can always get better, do not let your emotions overwhelm you. Process, react, move forward! Do not let a bad morning set the trajectory of your whole day! To work on more skills around emotional regulation, and how you can improve your wellbeing, get in touch to arrange a coaching Chemistry Call now!
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