Author: Sunflower Coaching

Finding Focus And *Actually* Taking A Moment For You

Sunflower Coaching

Life is hectic. Fact.

You will have heard to cliches of “take some time for you”, “have you tried meditation” and “you just need to relax”, but in reality, how do you actually do this?

Well I wanted to take a bit of time to teach you about a skill called One Mindfulness. One Mindfulness is all about focusing on one activity at on time, and one sense within that one activity. You may believe you already do this, but in reality when we are doing any activity these days, we have been trained to multi-task, to make the best use of our time, and to be as efficient as possible. For example, if you are watching TV, are you playing on your phone at the same time? If you are waiting for the kettle to boil, are you doing the washing up whilst you wait? Or if you are having a bath or a shower, are you making a list in your head of all the things you need to do?

Stop. Stop multi-tasking. Stop ruminating. Stop avoiding the moment.

Instead, next time you make a cup of tea, take the moment to focus on what you are doing. take a moment to go through each sense one at a time and really focus on the activity.

What can you touch? Can you feel the cold surface of the mug, can you feel the grainy texture of the teabag, does it feel cold or hot, does it feel smooth or bumpy, and how does your hand feel on the surface?

What can you hear? Can you hear the water boiling? What does it sound like, can you hear the layers of sound? Can you hear other things, can you hear cars outside, people talking, birds nearby, or can you just hear your breathing? or the movement of your clothes as you move around?

What can you see? Can you see the steam starting to come from the kettle? Can you see the colour of the mug? try and name the colour, you don’t need to be simple with it, not just red or blue, instead try and focus on the shadows you can see within the colours, the darkness or the tones of each colour? Can you see anything else in the room? Can you see the surface around the mug, can you see the shadows on that surface, or maybe a tiny bit of detailing on the surface that you have never noticed before?

What can you smell? Can you smell the teabag? What does it smell like? Can you smell the hot water? May sound strange, but does the boiling water have a different smell to cold water, the answer may be no, but take the time to consider to focus and to think of that smell. How does that smell make you feel?

And finally, what can you taste? Is your mouth dry, or maybe it is watering at the thought of the cup of tea. Maybe it is the morning and you haven’t brushed your teeth yet, what does that taste like? Can you taste something you have just eaten? Or maybe you can taste the smell of the teabag?

This simple activity of making a cup of tea has just become a small moment of meditation using the One Mindfulness technique. Through focusing on all of these senses, you have hopefully removed yourself from the stress of life for 5 mins, you should have been able to stop thinking, relax your mind, and really live in the moment in the most wholesome sense of the word. Thoughts may come and go as you go through this process, that is totally fine, just let them flow through. Often when we try and relax or meditate, we give up when we start thinking of other things, as if that thought has taken over and made us fail at the meditation. Instead imagine the thoughts flowing through an open window, they can come in and they can go out, but they do not blow down the house just by being there. Acknowledge the thought, and then return to the senses.

This blog is a little different to my usual, but I hope this little bit of practical advice can help you take a moment for you. And do feel free to let me know how it goes!

Happy Mindfulness!

Health, Happiness and Healing

Sunflower Coaching

Firstly, Happy New Year!

Where have I been, I hear you ask? Well, after my blog post last year, about your “Health Being Your Wealth”, I was quite unwell towards the end of last year, and in the true spirit of practicing what I preach, I had to take some time to look after myself physically and mentally. During this illness, I spent a lot of time thinking about the importance of health and how it can impact your happiness so monumentally, and in turn how your happiness can also impact your health. I started asking myself, can you have one without the other? Can you be happy without your health, and can you be healthy without being happy?

So often we hear of the impact happiness or mental wellbeing can have on your physical being. Stress, depression and anxiety are talked about more today than ever before, and it is wonderful that more people feel comfortable in expressing they are struggling with their mental health. However the flip side of this is that people are less aware when something may be affecting them, as struggling can sometimes now become a norm. It is the norm to keep hustling, it is the norm to keep pushing forward, it is the norm to be tired all the time, it is the norm. But is it or should it be? is that norm making you happy? The pandemic, over the past 2 years, has definitely helped people reflect on their norm, and what they really want from life, and a lot of people have found that the slower pace suits them better.

But as we return gradually to normal, we can find the change a struggle, and this can lead to some physical side affects, which we can miss, dismissing instead as that old normal which we had just forgotten. And as things return to that old new normal, it is so important to keep asking ourselves, “Am I happy?”, “Is this the life I want, for me, now?”, because it is just as important to reflect on the new old normal as it creeps back, as it was to reflect on the new normal of the pandemic, which was thrust upon us. If we do not ask ourselves are we happy, and we push through, we can potentially make ourselves sick. Whether that is just from being super tired, leading to a weakened immune system, and catching more colds or flus, or whether it is something more in our appearance , like our hair thinning or falling out, our skin getting spotty or dry, or even looking more grey, or us putting on or loosing weight. All of these things are our bodies way of saying, stop. Look after me. And should make us ask, am I happy?

So what about our health impacting our happiness in the first place? It is definitely hard to be happy when you do not feel 100%, but is it impossible? Definitely not! I have seen so many people who are physically or mentally very unwell, and continue to laugh and live their lives to the full, almost enjoying the moments they can, as best they can, BECAUSE, they are unwell. Is it harder? Probably. When your health is taken away from you, it can be frustrating, it can be demeaning, and sometimes you can feel embarrassed or worthless, because you are not able to achieve things that would once have been natural to you. But it does not necessarily stop you from having any happiness, it may just make you have to try a little harder to push through your health to find that happiness within. However, it can also teach you to appreciate the small things, to appreciate those true friends or family who are there for you (Shoutout to the lovely souls in my life to keep me laughing, even when I feel like crying), and appreciate the little moments in the days which otherwise may not be acknowledged or noticed because they are lost in the madness of life.

And if you are healthy, what then? Can you be unhappy if you are healthy. Of course! Health does make you automatically happy. Some people think that if they loose weight or eat more salad or do more exercise, they will be happier. That is not necessarily the case, infact sometimes that obsession could impact your ability to find happiness in the rest of your life. Of course, we should all look after our health as best we can, but it is just as important to reflect on what is making you unhappy or driving that desire to change, and then addressing that so you do not let the obsession or worry start to impact your health negatively. So, make sure you are keeping healthy habits, healthy body, healthy mind, but not to the point that you forgot to find that joy in each and every day. Remember to laugh, because it really is the best medicine.

So, is it more important to look after your health or your happiness? Both! For me, the way I see it is they are like the Ying and the Yang. They are intertwined in each other, they lean on each other, and they are just as necessary as they are reflective of each other. but unlike the Ying and Yang, can you have one without the other? Yes, but through healing and growing one, you can positively impact the other.

You can be happy without your health, and you can be healthy without being happy. So what is the link. For me, it is healing. It is growth, it is that search within to find what you are missing. It is that drive to move forward and to keep going. And if you embrace this element, and try and rebuild one side of the health and happiness puzzle, the other will come eventually, maybe only in a small way, but as Tesco say, every little helps!

So what next? Well as we end this long first month of 2022, I ask you to reflect on your health and your happiness, and the link between them. How can you heal or grow in one or the other. How can you improve either side, to support the other in being stronger? What can you do to ensure you are healthy AND happy, in you, in now, and in going forward?

Remember, we are not meant to be perfect, but we can work towards being healthy and happy!

When do our feelings reflect real emotions, and when are they misdirected into making a bad moment, a bad day?

Sunflower Coaching

All emotions are justified, lets just start there. If you are feeling something, you are allowed to feel it, you are allowed to express it, and you are allowed to seek an understanding of why you feeling it. But sometimes, when we feel, we can react in a way that later may seem exaggerated, or like an “over-reaction”. Is that because the emotion you thought you were feeling in that moment was not the correct emotion for the situation?

Lets look at it this way, you walk out the front door in the morning, you have freshly washed hair and brand new shoes. You are running a little late, and in your haste have forgotten your umbrella. As you leave, it starts to rain, you don’t have time to go back for your umbrella. In your frustration, you are not looking where you are going, and you step in some dog muck. New shoes ruined. Hair ruined. and with all the stress, you miss the train you were racing for. What emotion are you feeling?

We have so many reactions to different emotions, but understanding the core emotion is the most important thing. If we look at Marsha M. Lineham’s work, we can divide our emotions into ten different core emotion categories: Happiness, Fear, Anger, Disgust, Envy, Jealousy, Love, Sadness, Shame, and Guilt. All our reactions or secondary emotions can be separated into these categories, but understanding which category it goes into is really important in how we understand and process that emotion, which will ultimately help us move forward, and not get hung up on feeling potentially the wrong thing.

So, lets return to our scenario. Instant reaction I would have would be probably to cry. But why? What emotion am I feeling? Anger? Sadness? Shame? Disgust? Maybe a mixture of a few emotions, but what is my primary emotion? In being able to identify this emotion, we can identify a reasonable way to react to it, or we can ask ourselves, is our instant reaction, the correct one? So is my instant reaction of crying right for that situation?

Lets imagine a child falling down, the child is shocked, he cries. Why? Because they are expecting to feel pain, or because they are shocked? Because they have actually hurt themselves and are injured? Or because they are upset or embarrassed? A child falling down can help you understand core emotions, and the correct reactions. When we pick up a child after falling down, what do we ask them? We ask them, are you hurt? Where hurts? More often than not, it is an imaginary pain that they cannot understand, so a magic kiss will always make it better. Can adult emotions be fixed as easily? Can we take a moment to ask ourselves, are you hurt? Where hurts? And what is the magic kiss we need in that unique situation.

So, What hurts in my awful morning scenario? am I physically hurt? No. Am I emotionally hurt? Maybe a little, but why? Is it my pride that is hurt? Potentially yes. So what core emotion is connected to pride and embarrassment? That would be shame. So what we are really feeling in that moment is (potentially) shame. Once we understand that, we can try and push the other emotions of anger or sadness away, because they may not make sense or be justifiable in that situation. And instead we can seek to understand how to make ourselves feel better from that context of the primary emotion of shame, whilst not loosing ourselves in other emotions. Will crying help? unlikely. Will it make us feel better? Maybe. Is there a better way to feel better? Probably. What is that? Well that is something only you can answer. (For me, always start with a cup of tea!)

Understanding emotions can help us see the woods through the trees, it can help us process what we are really feeling, and it can help us understand what our instant emotional reaction may be, and whether that is appropriate for every situation. It may take some reflection, and it may take some practice. But if we are able to start understanding the appropriate emotion, and then subsequent reaction to each situation, we can then handle ourselves in a much more emotional regulated and calm way.

Remember, a day can always get better, do not let your emotions overwhelm you. Process, react, move forward! Do not let a bad morning set the trajectory of your whole day! To work on more skills around emotional regulation, and how you can improve your wellbeing, get in touch to arrange a coaching Chemistry Call now!

“Your Wealth is your Health”

Sunflower Coaching

So, as some people may have noticed, I have been a little quiet on here over the past month and a bit. The reason? Well after 15months of avoiding Covid, it finally got me. Boo!

Having caught Covid with a small group of friends, all 8 of us contracted the illness, and between us we suffered the full spectrum of symptoms. From the normal flu like symptoms, to extreme fatigue, loss of smell and taste, bad tummies, covid brain (mistaking strawberries for tomatoes…), and the horrible aches and pains that literally keep you up at night. This is a group of healthy, 29/30 year olds, two of whom had had both the vaccines. That is the power of Covid.

For the first week or so, it seemed like I had it to the same degree as the others, maybe a couple of days behind symptoms-wise, but following the same route. However on day 7 from when we first developed symptoms, whilst everyone else appeared to be starting to feel better, I went downhill. I actually had a job interview that morning, and managed to mumble my way through over the zoom call, every now and again realising my head had actually slipped below the camera frame. After the call, I was shaking, I felt so nauseous that I could barely move my head, and I just slept. That was the Thursday, and from Thursday until Sunday I was unable to eat or drink a single thing, not just because I couldn’t smell or taste it (Which is highly frustrating, especially when my mum bought us my fave fish and chips as a post interview treat), but it wouldn’t stay down. By the Saturday evening I was severely dehydrated, and was having kidney pain, which initially we thought was a kidney infection, but turned out to just be Covid.

At 4am on Sunday morning, I asked my mum to call 111, and I am so glad I did. They got me into hospital for a Covid Appointment at 8am. I could barely walk to the car, I was so weak. And the car journey made my pain in my side and nausea 1000 times worse. I apparently even said the words, “I just want to die”, and reflecting on this, although a little dramatic (ok quite a lot dramatic), I can understand why. I felt the worst I had ever felt in my whole life.

As soon as I saw the doctor, he told me I had a fever of 38.9. High, right? During my stay in hospital, this would go up to 42.1! I was actually diagnosed with Covid Pneumonia, meaning it was visible all over my lungs through an x-ray and CT scan. I had felt dramatic for going to hospital, but when the doctor said I think it is time to admit you, I was shocked! I don’t think, even with how bad I felt, I realised how unwell I was. My mother and I then sat in a room for the next 12 hours, waiting for them to work out what to do with me, as they only had one Covid patient in the hospital and therefore had closed down the wards. During this time, there was a whole adventure of trying to find a vein in my crappy arms, and also some anti nausea medicine that apparently made me start tripping and rambling complete nonsense. Eventually, I was shown to a little corner of the hospital, where I was given my own room, and only one nurse per shift was allowed to come into the room, to try and limit the spread. the other Covid patient was in the room next door to me, and was about 50 years older than I am. Sadly whilst I was there, a third patient was admitted, and was put on a ventilator. Because of being in separate rooms, I could not see this happening, thankfully, but the panic and upset in the doctors and nurses was obvious, as they could sense Covid gradually starting again.

I was in hospital for 3.5 days, and with the help of LOTS of fluids, steroids, blood thinners, oxygen, antibiotics, anti nausea medicine (my saviour!), potassium, and a few other things, I was able to go home and recover in my own bed (well my bed, at my mums, having caught Covid 4 hours away from London). Although I felt rough, and incredibly weak, I was ok. I was able to eat (toast, lots of toast), and even better, drink again! I was so scared I would be sick every time I had a sip of water, but gradually building up that confidence again and realising how much better I felt when I was hydrated was amazing!

So, why am I being so open about all of this. Well, during my time in hospital, my mum kept saying a phrase to me, “your health is your wealth”. This is something she and my grandma have said my entire life, but I have never really thought about before. Of course, I understand it and I agree with the statement. But whilst I was in hospital, I felt like my knees and legs were being drilled into (Covid aches and pains), I felt so unwell I couldn’t eat or drink, and I actually couldn’t keep anything down if I had felt able to. I felt so unwell I couldn’t walk to the toilet without help, and when I would get back into bed, I would just sleep because 5 steps had taken it out of me. And I sat there, and reflected on this, and how without our health, we have very little.

Now this is not to say that for those people who have long term medical issues, physical or mental, cannot live a fulfilled life or a good, wealthy life. But it just makes our starting point that little bit harder. We come into this world, each unique and beautiful, and each with our own limitations. We learn to live with this, and adapt to this. But if you neglect your health, you loose so much more than if you have no money or physical possessions. Without your health, you are vulnerable, you have pain, you have struggle. Your health is the most important thing you have, and thing you can give or help another human being protect. Furthermore, similar to money, it can take moments to ruin your health, and years to rebuild what you had. It is so much harder to strengthen and protect yourself without your health in tact.

So why did Covid make me think of this, well because it scared me. It scared me to see how something I cannot see and had been so careful about could affect me, a healthy 29 year old. It made me realise that in this world, we are only here for a short amount of time, and in that time we have to live the best life we can, as I have said many times before, “a life worth living”. and to do this I need my health to be the best it can be, both mentally and physically. Without this, we are limited, we are held back. We need out health to have the strength, the energy, the power to keep going, and the better the health the easier certain things are.

So, I wanted to share this with you, not as a horror story, because things could have been so much worse, but as an opportunity. This is your opportunity to reflect on your health, physical, mental, emotional, and consider how wealthy you really are? And what can you do to look after yourself and build that health wealth further. Covid has been a time of great sorrow and losses, and I shall never forget seeing the nurses going in to treat the man in the room next to me, because it really was heartbreaking, but we can now make it a time for us to reflect and grow, and become stronger than we were before. As these variants take hold, lets adapt ourselves as well, lets grow as well, and show Covid that we have more resources that it ever will do.

And if you need any help in this reflection or a growth plan, you know where to find me…. 🙂

Stay safe everyone, we are almost there! And remember, you have so much, if you have your health.

How do we return to the old, when the new just became our normal?

Sunflower Coaching

They are having a hard time surviving the peace, after they survived the war

Loung Ung, Cambodian-American Activist

We made it through a pandemic, well done us!

It has been a long, hard year, and for many of us, it has really made us reflect on what is important to us, what makes us tick, and what makes us shine. It has been a year where we have reflected, where we have moaned, fought, laughed (ironically and not so ironically), where we have rested, clapped, and for many of us developed a new normal. So many people I know have developed new coping mechanisms in order to survive the past year, and for many it has been about looking internally, and making their world a little smaller. That doesn’t mean smaller, in the sense of importance, it means smaller in the sense of pace and scale. Instead of running on the hamster wheel of life, we have found more time for our family, and for ourselves. Instead of working 12 hours days, and then networking or socialising, we have found ways to switch off, to separate home and work, and also to prioritise what makes us happy, but also who is necessary for that that happiness within our lives.

When we struggle, we often close ourselves to the outside, and so often a way out of a depression or an state of anxiety is to talk about it, to speak to people, and share your feelings. For some people this comes naturally, for others it is much harder, as they are internal reflectors, or they find sharing that vulnerability scary. During this pandemic, how often have you reached out to someone close to you and said, “this is hard”. or “I am struggling”. Have you found that you have done this more or less that normal? From speaking to people in my life, I have found people have been able to express this more freely, they have been more vulnerable, and they have been more open about their fears or their struggles. Why is this?

On reflection I think this is about a shared experience of hardship. We have all experienced a similar change to the normal life we live in. We all have an understanding of what this pandemic has done to our normal. It has, in many ways, allowed us to be more open with our friends and family, because we haven’t had to explain why we are finding it hard, because everyone is finding it hard.

So, to the present day. Excitement, joy, hope, planning. These are all things occurring right now! The world is gradually opening up, and you only have to glance at social media to see picnics, brunches, pub gardens and the rest. So why is it that so many people are struggling with anxiety more than ever now, when what we have all been wanting for the past year or so, is finally coming to fruition?

We, as humans, are creatures of habit. And over the past year, we have finally found our routine, or step in time. We have found an ability to make time for each other, to feel less pressured about FOMO, or about filling a diary. That pressure has been removed by a greater being, not by ourselves, and that removal of choice has taken the responsibility away from us. If we break down that word, responsibility, what do we get? The ability to respond. being ABLE to respond. We, for the past year, have not been able to respond to that pressure, and therefore if you are unable to do something, you remove it as a worry. For example, I am not able to fly, it would be delightful, but it is not possible, so my response to that ability is gone. I do not even need to think of a response. If you are able, so for example I am able to get on a plane, and visit family, but my response to that ability is nerves or fear, because of an underlying anxiety, then my response to that ability may be worry or pressure. For the past year, because our ability has been removed, our response, even though we may have shared frustration, has been to create a new normal, and new habits. So why does that lead to anxiety now?

As we come out of lockdown, we now have the ability to see people, to make plans, even to potentially look to the future, and re-fill that diary that has laid empty for the past year. With that ability, we have now got to respond. And with that responsibility, comes pressure. But when we have spent the past year creating a new normal, are we ready to return to our old lives? are we ready to re-establish that hamster wheel, and give in to the pressure of the world around us, as it was.

For many people, this responsibility is leading to anxiety, so how do we overcome this anxiety? Well, we change the response!

Instead of letting ourselves feel that pressure, we need to give ourselves time, we need to understand that we are still going through a shared experience, so we can still voice our concerns. You can still say to people “this is hard.” or “I am struggling.”, and I bet you will be surprised how many people will agree. Rather than give into the pressure of living how we used to, lets take some learnings from the past year and bring them into our normal now. Just because we are returning to life as we may have known it, does not mean we have to bring that responsibility and pressure of the past. Instead, lets treat this as an opportunity to create a new, new normal, with learnings from the old AND the pandemic. Give yourself permission to live life how you want, with the freedoms of now, but with the learnings of the past year.

Stay Safe!

Mindfulness, when the world around you is too much.

Sunflower Coaching

Mindfulness. In the past few years, this has become one of the hottest buzzwords around. Whether people are discussing mindful living, being mindful in the workplace, or practicing mindfulness at home. Everyone has their different understanding of mindfulness. However often, this image of mindfulness is in the form of meditation, incense, sitting still and being with your thoughts.

A couple of years ago, in the pursuit of mindfulness, one of my best friends and I went to a meditation session. We sat in a room with about 15 strangers, shut our eyes, and let a woman guide us through an hour meditation. I enjoyed the session, apart from getting cramp in my leg. My best friend did not. She really struggled to get in the zone, and instead told me that she spent most of the session thinking about what was on her to do list, and that her nose was itchy, but she didn’t want to itch it because everyone was so quiet. We did not return. Both of us had left a little sceptical about this mindfulness malarky. However, when I started studying more around coaching and especially around my DBT and CBT understanding, I started to understand what mindfulness really was all about.

You cannot complete mindfulness, you cannot tick mindfulness of a to do list, you cannot say, ‘yep, I have done my weekly mindfulness”. Mindfulness is something that is ongoing, it is something that you can practice each and every day. Think of that verb, practice, that is exactly what you are doing, you are practicing this skill, you are improving your ability to listen to your body, to the sounds and feelings, smells and sensations around you. However, even after years of practice you will always be able to continue to improve. Think of a musician, they can complete formal grades, they can practice their skills every day, but they can always learn new music, learn a different piece, and when they pick up that new bit of music, they will not be perfect, they will need to practice over and over, and there is always new music to learn. Mindfulness is the same, you always need to be practicing, learning, growing, and developing your skills, to become more aware of your body and the world around you.

So, how can mindfulness help in daily life? Well, for me it is about control. Anxiety is often caused by situations in which we do not feel safe. When we do not feel safe, our primal instinct is to fight or flight, and anxiety is our body telling us that a potential risk is nearby, and we may need to react. If you suffer from anxiety through, often these feelings can occur when there is not a ‘real’ danger, but instead a perceived danger from an underlying worry or concern, for example you may start to feel really anxious when you are around lots of new people, because you are worried about what they will think of you. The actual event of them thinking a certain way has not necessarily happened yet, but the risk in your mind is close by, causing the anxiety. So how do you manage this, well you start to focus on what you can control, and that is yourself. Enter, mindfulness. Start with your breathing, become aware of how fast or slow it is, try and focus on slowing it down to a normal pace. Focus on your hands and facial muscles, notice if they are clenched, focus your energy to relax them. Now focus on the sounds and smells around you that you know are real and there. Can you identify individual voices in a room, can you hear glasses clinking, can you smell food, or smell someones perfume. Identify what is real, what is happening right there, and what is tangible. Through identifying these things, and consciously focusing on them, you can take the energy away from your thoughts of worry or panic, which are of threats which are not tangible, and are not in your ability to control.

However, what happens if the world around you is causing the anxiety? This is a common question. For example, you are walking down a road at night, its dark, no one is around, and you start to hear footsteps behind you. Your anxiety starts to rise, because your body is preparing for an attack, it is preparing you for that fight or flight. Your heart rate goes up, and you start to panic. This situation is common, and more often than not the danger is not really there, instead it is a fellow commuter returning home, or even a delivery man with someones dinner. But it can leave you feeling panicked, out of control, overwhelmed, and even make you feel you cannot go out at night or you cannot go out at all. This is therefore impacting on your day to day living, and could become a problem. So, how do you manage this situation, using mindfulness, to remain in your ‘window of tolerance’ and feel in control?

Here is a little trick I was taught years ago, and you may well know it, but if you do not, have a go at it now. With either one hand or both hands, I want you to tap your thumb against each of your fingers in order, so thumb taps forefinger, then thumb taps middle finger, then ring finger, and then little finger, then go back again, so little finger, ring finger, middle finger, forefinger. If you are doing this with both hands, focus on making sure your fingers are tapping the same finger at the same time, so on both hands you are both at the little finger and then returning at the same time. As you are doing this, be mindful of the time you are taking to tap each finger, slow down, speed up, maybe even do a little pattern. Focus on that sensation of the fingers connecting, or the muscles moving, and be mindful of these sensations as you do them. This little exercise is something I do all the time! On the commute to work, in a stressful meeting, when I’m ordering a drink at a bar, when I am trying to fall asleep at night. Whenever I feel my anxiety start to rise, I do this. Why does it work for me? Well, it does not shut me off from my senses around me, I can still be aware of the noises behind me, or the situation in hand, but it gives me a diversion to focus on, which steadies me, meaning my anxiety does not right to the point of a panic attack or feel like I am out of control. It is my control. It is my focus. And it steadies me when the world around me does have a potential risk, and I do not want to focus or be mindful on my environment as that is causing my potential distress.

So remember, mindfulness is something you can do at any time, any where, and it is useful. It doesn’t have to be something you consciously make time for. Being mindful is about connecting to yourself, your body, your senses, your now. And whether there is a real risk or a perceived risk, you can be mindful, in your way, to help feel you have that control you need to lower your anxiety, through feeling safe. Do it now, whilst you are reading this, and think, what am I feeling right now, mindfully?

The goal is not to always feel joy, it is to always feel.

Sunflower Coaching

Marie Kondo changed the landscape of cleaning and decluttering when she encouraged people to ask one simple question, “Does this bring me joy?”. Across the world, people were suddenly able to free themselves of their hoarding habits, and even find a more pleasing way of tidying their sock drawer. The freeing logic was that if something does not bring you joy, you eliminate it from you life, and for cleaning and de-cluttering, this magic works. But, does it work for other aspects of life?

I saw an inspirational quote recently which read, “Find the joy inside, and the joy will eventually burn out the pain”. This quote troubled me, and made me reflect on why we have joy, but also why we have pain, anger, love, fear, and every other emotion out there. According to Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, all our emotions are founded in our primal instincts for survival, and it was necessary to have the pain, because it tells you something is wrong. It was why I was always told as a child, if you do not understand why you are feeling pain, for example with a sore tummy, then do not just take a tablet to block it out, instead seek to understand if there is something more sinister happening, or in fact, you just ate too much cake. The pain we feel is there for a reason, it is there as an alert, to tell us something is not right, to inform us that we may need to rest and recover, or even to seek help and treatment. It is also why when people are stressed, often physical signs show on their body before they ultimately realise, because if you hair starts falling out or you are suddenly rapidly changing weight, you are meant to stop and ask yourself, what is going on?

So if we look at the quote again, and we consider that joy is their to burn up the pain, I can in some ways see this as a very simplistic outcome. In short, when we have pain, of course, finding something joyful will of course make us feel better. I am a BIG believer in laughter being the best medicine. But I disagree that joy is a sustainable method of blocking out pain altogether, and ultimately I do not believe that eliminating all pain or negative emotion is the goal overall.

When dealing with depression, the general emotion one may feel is sadness. Sadness in an overwhelming, all encompassing way. In the short term, one in the midst of depression may believe the goal is just to seek joy, and find happiness. But actually the goal is instead to just be able to feel. When your emotions are so taken over with sadness, you are actually no longer feeling anything, because everything falls under that same label. So instead the focus should be on feeling your reality. Now, this can be hard. And at times more painful than the sadness, as the sadness may be there as a form of protection from allowing you to feel the true situation or emotions around you. But if you are able to start identifying the emotions away from sadness, and also recognising when you are actually feeling genuine sadness, for a sad reason, rather than another emotion, you are then able to start also feeling more positive emotions as well. And even more importantly, if you are able to identify a real emotion, and then ask the question of, is this a suitable emotional response to that situation or incident, you can then start to understand where your emotions are driven from and what events may result in what positive or negative emotions.

As someone who has suffered from depression, this logic blew my mind. For years, I had said “I just want to feel happy”, or “I just want to escape my feelings”. However, what I needed was not to avoid the feelings washing over me, but instead, seek to understand them, name them, and then treat them in an appropriate way, just as I did with my tummy aches when I was little.

So of course, continue to ask yourself, does this thing/person/activity bring me joy? but do not let that be the only question you ask yourself, instead continue the conversation and ask, “if this thing is not bringing me joy, what is it giving me?”, and then based on that outcome or emotion, act appropriately to you and your values.

Life is not just about feeling joy, it is about the joy of being able to feel life.

The Pain and Positivity of Being Real

Sunflower Coaching

“When a child loves you for a long time, not just to play with, but really ,loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” Said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are real you don’t mind being hurt”.

The Velveteen Rabbit, by Margery Williams Bianco

The Velveteen Rabbit is one of my favourite books, the childhood message of love, trust, protectiveness, and being real always struck a cord with me, even when I was young. Even today, at the age of almost 30, I still listen to this beautiful tale at least once a week as an audiobook, to help me drift off to sleep. However, as I have got older the way I understand and interpret this message has grown with me, and the quote above in particular always gives me chills.

When we are young, how easy is it for us to ask our friends to play with us? How easy is it for us to understand the difference between goodies and baddies? And how easy is it for us to be ourselves? Children, in their lack of being able to potentially understand or communicate their deep emotions and justification for such, instead end up being the most genuine versions of themselves. They are real.

As we get older, and that line between good and evil becomes a little more blurred, that questions of what should I do Vs. what do I want to do, becomes harder to make, and the consequences of our actions become greater. Our ability to be ourselves is diluted by life, by emotions, by how we wish to be perceived, by how we need to be perceived, and by the external factors of the world around us. We may find ourselves putting a facade on, smiling on the outside, laughing and joking, whilst the pain inside us consumes our thoughts. We may find it gets to the point where we do not even know what we are feeling anymore, or what is real to ourselves. And if we do not understand what is real about us, how can we be real and authentic with others.

I used to think this a lot when I was at university. I knew lots of people, and would often walk into a club on a night out, and bump into a few people I hadn’t expected, and lose the people I had come in with (a pet peeve of theirs!). I was surrounded by people always, always chatting, dancing, laughing. However, when I had a personal tragedy, there were only a handful of people who were really therefore me, who would pick me up when I felt sad, or if necessary, would let me cry until I fell asleep. At the time, the pain I felt consumed me, and all I could see was the people who I felt had abandoned me, who I perceived as not real friends. What I did not see was that those people were being real, but not that realness did not necessarily extend to their friendship with me. And, more importantly, What I did not see, was the value of those who were real, who were authentic, who took my good, with my bad, and who accepted it all for my realness.

My mother once said to me “you can count your real friends on one hand”. I would not necessarily go that far, but what I would say is that the people in your life who are there for you are fewer than you may think. But instead of being sad at the people who maybe do not give you the time you need, find the value in those who are there for you. In those people who you can be authentic with, in those people who are authentic with you, in those people who when you say “yeh, I’m fine”, hear more behind those words, in those people who are there for the painful moments, not just the fun ones.

When someone loves you and you love someone, a family member or a friend, it is not easy, and there may be pain and hard days. But with those hard days come the joy or knowing you are also real, you are authentic, you are you. And you are worth the love of that individual and of yourself.

Time to Bust Those Coaching Myths…

Sunflower Coaching

In a growth mindset, challenges are exciting rather than threatening. So rather than thinking, oh, I’m going to reveal my weaknesses, you say, wow, here’s a chance to grow.

Carol Dweck
Author of Mindset: The Psychology of Success.

As I was starting my coaching busines, I received lots of messages of support and enthusiasm from those around me, however when I asked them if they would receive coaching themselves, the common response was “I don’t know what it is…” or “I don’t need coaching”, or “I don’t understand the point in coaching”. When I explored this a bit further with a wider group, I realised this misunderstanding or lack of any understanding of coaching was pretty common, and therefore I wanted to do a bit of a myth buster on the common misconceptions of coaching… 

“Coaching is a lesser version of counselling” 

This is probably one of the most common responses I have received, why would someone get a coach, when they could pay the same (or less than some coaches) for a fully trained therapist or counsellor. Well the answer is simple – Coaching is not counselling! This is something I make really clear in all my sessions, as it is such an important element to understand. Coaching is a future focused tool, to help create an action plan for your development, through really seeking to understand yourself. Coaches may ask questions that explore some elements of the past; however this will be purely to inform the future, and help you move forward. They are not there to help you fix the past or support potential mental health conditions. As someone who has had various forms of therapy AND coaching, it is so important that you see the right person for the right solution. Coaches have different training to therapists and doctors, because they use different tools, and they are there for a different purpose. It is just as important to ensure you are seeking the right type of support for you, so if you are looking for support with your mental health due to health issues or recurring problems, please speak to a medical professional. However, if you are looking to improve your wellbeing, set goals, and achieve a life you really are thriving in, speak to a coach! Both highly skilled, but in very different ways. 

“Coaching is all just fluffy nonsense with no substance”

Any coach worth their salt should have undertaken at least one certification or qualification. They should have the basics in training principles, mentoring and coaching best practices, have read research on studies by coaching theorists. I myself took some time off work for a few months to really focus on my learning and development around coaching, to work with study groups, and even to write an academic essay (bit of a shock to the system after ten years out of uni!) I invested in my personal learning around psychometric tests, which I then tested on friends and family at a personal cost to myself. I read books on positive psychology and wellbeing coaching theory. I explored different coaching points of views and tools, for example NLP, something I find so interesting, but some coaches disregard. And when I actually coach my clients, I use these frameworks, I use my technical knowledge and understanding. If after a session, I feel I need to know more on a certain framework or find a different tool and technique, I continue to educate myself. Yes, I am offering a space for my clients to explore their thoughts and feelings, but that is not fluffy, that is what makes you who you are! And with the support of my technical knowledge, tools and techniques, the sessions definitely are filled with substance! 

“Coaching is just for the privileged”

This is a personal pet peeve of mine, that quite a lot of coaches out there are targeting a certain demographic, through living an aspirational lifestyle. I feel that this can sometimes leave people feeling a bit disengaged with coaching and see it as something beyond their reach or a bit preachy. The truth is coaching can benefit everyone, and it is one of the reasons I deliberately offer packages and price points that are accessible to those just starting their career, and do not have a lot of disposable income! I remember what it was like to be a student, applying for jobs, scatter-gunning applications without focus. I remember the feeling of frustration and rejection, that would then flow into my personal life. Was I living my best life? No, it was bloody miserable and really hard! If I had had a coach when I was leaving uni, or even when I was considering uni, would I have taken the path I took? Maybe not. Maybe I would have been able to understand my goals and values a bit better and create better objectives and a clearer plan. So no, coaching is not just for the privileged, coaching can benefit anyone, anyone looking to create a more fulfilling life, for them, with their resources, at this moment in time. 

“Coaches should have loads of life experience”

One response I have been challenged with as a coach is that I am too young. “What could you know about the world and life”. However, coaches do not have to be old, and personally successful in a similar area to yourself. If you are looking for someone who has had a career you aspire to, or a personal life you aspire to, to discuss and learn from, that is a mentor, not a coach! And it is possible to have both! Coaches are trained to help you understand that you are the expert in you, and we are here to be a safe enabler of your goals. Sometimes it may help to have a coach who has a similar background to yourself, or with career coaching in particular, has some helpful shared experiences. But it is not a compulsory element for your coach. My ability to coach and bring out the best in you, and help you understand yourself, is not defined by my past and my values. As long as you feel comfortable with your coach, and they have the right training and experience that lets you feel open and trusting of them, that is all you need. 

“Coaches will solve all your problems”

I will level with you, being coached is not always easy. Coaches are there to challenge you, to push you, and to question you. We make our clients think about things they maybe have not thought of for a long time, or challenge them on why they have done something, or often, not done something. This is all aimed to help the client really start to understand themselves. However, coaches can only take this so far, we are not here to solve all your problems and give you the answers. Why? Because only you are the expert on you! So, in the words of the old proverb, we will lead you to the water, we will support you all the way there, but you are the only who has to drink the water, who has to accept where change needs to happen and to acknowledge how you can start to take those steps towards growth. We can give you all the tools in the world, but you have to be the ones to actually use them. 

“Coaches are only helpful when there is a potential challenge”

So of course, when you are at a crossroads in your life, maybe with a job, or with a personal circumstance change, getting a coach can be super helpful, to support you in understanding what you want from that next step, or how to make that next step a successful one. But that is not the only time that coaches can be helpful. Sometimes, when you are feeling most comfortable in your life, that can be a great time to really understand what you want from your life, and what you could be improving or developing on. Having that personal headspace to ask yourself the question, supported by a coach, “what do I really want from my time of this earth?” can be liberating and enlightening. This is why I personally found all my coaching on wellbeing principles, because wellbeing is something that can never be completed, it is an ongoing process. So, even when you are feeling really positive and happy in your life, there are always elements of personal development or growth you can achieve. So, no, coaching is not just for the challenging times, it can be for the times of reflection as well. 

“Coaching is just for those in a professional environment “

I have to admit, originally this was something I thought. However, that was because my previous experience of coaching had always been in a work setting. I had had coaching when seeking promotion, or when looking to apply for a challenging new job, in my case on a highly competitive graduate programme. I had been a coach for more junior colleagues and supported them on their work aspirations and goals. Career coaching is invaluable to anyone looking to really thrive in their chosen job or understand if they are in the right job for them. But coaching is not just for the professional side of our lives. I offer life coaching and wellbeing coaching as well. These elements are about challenging the personal side of your life, and where you are, to understand where you wish to be. This can be really helpful if you are looking to achieve a particular goal, for example, losing weight, or finding more joy. I use principles found in positive psychology to understand what makes you as a person joyful or in flow. I seek to understand your personal drivers, and intrinsic and extrinsic motivators. Take the example of losing weight, it’s one of the most common goals we have as a nation. However, have you asked yourself why YOU want to lose weight. Not because you have to, not because someone has told you to, but why is this something that you personally want, for yourself? This is the sort of challenge I would help you explore in life and wellbeing coaching, as if we are able to understand these elements, we are so much more likely to succeed. So coaching is great in a professional environment, but it is also great in the personal side of your life as well. 

These are just a few myth-busters, but I am sure there are so many more, drop me an email or a message with any thoughts, questions or even misconceptions on coaching you may have, and I shall do my very best to support you! 

The Potential of People and Passion

Sunflower Coaching

No man is an Island, entire of it self; every man is a piece of the Continent, a part of the main.

John Donne

I was speaking with a friend last night via text, who I had not spoken to in a long time, and we were generally catching up, however when I asked how things were, the first thing he jumped to was that he got a new job. I was super proud of him, of course, however it made me think about our identity as people.

When someone asks us that dreaded generic question of “tell me about yourself”, how often do we jump to our jobs, or where we live, as a means of defining who we are? 90% of the conversations I have heard where someone asks “tell me about yourself”, the automatic response is the above, regardless of the environment we are in. This may seem like I am pointing out of the obvious, but the question I have is, why? Why are our jobs our go to identity position? And why do we never focus on the people and passions which make us instead?

One potential answer to this is that we are protective of the personal side of ourselves, we are protective of what people may read into how we present the important people in our lives, or our passions and hobbies, more so than what they would read into our jobs, and what our jobs reveal about us. Displaying the important people or passions in our lives is potentially displaying emotion or vulnerability, and we don’t like to be vulnerable, especially to those people we are just meeting for the first time or those people we wish to see us as purely professional. We have an element of group think, in that if no one else is showing their vulnerability, then why should we? Why should we give a bit more away than the next person. It is like an emotional game of life-chicken, no one truly revealing who they are.

I find this quite sad though. Don’t get me wrong, I am 100% guilty of jumping on the job focused bandwagon as well when I answer, but what harm does letting a little vulnerability in do? I am starting to reflect on what I would say if I took my job identity away and was asked the same question. “Tell me about yourself…”

Well, I am Sarah, I have a lovely fiancé, Scott, I have 3 sisters, two older and one 17 years younger. both my parents are northern Irish, and due to Covid I haven’t been over to see my grandparents in Northern Ireland for the whole year. I love musical theatre, gardening and art, and I have a very fluffy hamster, called Doughnut. Thats me. What do you read into that?

When I read that back, what do I see? I see a human. I see a person with connections, with people, with passions. I see a bit of sadness and frustration. I see distractions and activity. I see a life, a life that is full and happy, but real. I see room for improvement. I see love.

The most used hashtag on instagram is apparently #Love and yet the most used on LinkedIn is #Innovation. In a social media environment I understand this to an extent, as you put out to your network the image you want in that environment. On LinkedIn, you want to display a professionalism, a value given, your goals and successes. However, maybe we should be less afraid of displaying that #Love side of us, in our reality. Maybe we should remove the filter of perfection, and start displaying what makes us tick, what keeps us going, maybe we should start displaying our emotions, our community, our people and our passion, not just to our friends, but maybe even to our colleagues as well. If we all displayed this, think of the potential for real connection we could have. Think of the potential of removing the polished filter in your life.

We all have things we love, whether that is people, a passion, an event, a hobby, and we have all been loved, whether that is the love of a friend, a parent, a grandparent, a lover, a neighbour. In these times, when we are isolating or in lockdown, it can be a time when we feel most lonely, most disconnected from reality, when we feel like all we have are our jobs to focus on, because there is nothing else going on in the world. But actually, I believe that more than ever, we are demonstrating that “no man is an island”, and even in your little bubble, human connection, and love is what really defines us. Through sharing our passions with the people around us, we share a bit of our soul, we share what gets us through the day, and what we choose to focus on. We share anecdotes of joy, of fun, of a freedom to be ourselves. We embrace our differences, our opinions, our flow, without being consumed by just the drama or gossip that normally comes from the activity of normal life. We find out who we can really connect with on the basis human level, who we can really talk to, and enjoy, and who we want to make that effort of connecting with. And through understanding these things, we can break down the barriers of who we think we should be, and instead embrace who we actually are.

Imagine if we did this in a work environment, imagine if you did a job that you wanted to do because you were truly passionate about it, and it encompassed those personal elements that make you you. Imagine if you worked with people you really connected with, and you understood each other and how your differences bring power and purpose to the roles you are doing, how you challenge each other and encourage each other to thrive. Imagine having that passion with the people you surround yourself with, not just personally, but professionally. They say “you will never work a day in your life, if you do a job you love”, and I think this is so powerful. Just like life, you may not enjoy every aspect of every minute of a job, but if we can find people to connect with, and passions to share, then how much happier and connected we could be, and what potential could that bring…?

So next time someone asks you “tell me about yourself”, what are you going to say? Because we are all people, we all have likes and dislikes, we all have successes and challenges, and we all have people and passions in our lives that make us us. And those people and passions are the things that really define who we are, who we have been and who we could be.